An instructive fable from Mike Walker, Col. USMC (retired)
All,
Having just read the 2013 DoD student guide on extremism, I figured one good chuckle deserved another.
Semper Fi,
Mike
The DoD Class on Extremism: A Fable
Captain Lew McGurk waited just off stage as his rifle company filed into the lecture hall. He had just been joined by Major Floyd Slickpud who had flown in from Washington D.C. to monitor the upcoming class on Extremism.
While the Marines finished taking their seats, the two officers engaged in minor chitchat.
“How was the trip, Major?”
The Major glanced at the decorations on the Captain’s chest, an assortment of service medals plus two Purple Hearts and a Bronze Star. “Well Captain, travel is always hard on my sinuses but I will make do.”
“Yes, Sir, so you find working in Washington rewarding?” asked McGurk.
“Yes. That is where the heart and soul of our military resides. I don't want to brag but I have spent almost my entire career in Washington. It gives me a real edge over my peers.”
“I see.” Responded the Captain.
“Yes, only in Washington can you really get the true picture of things. I am already the assistant to the second deputy to the undersecretary.”
“Undersecretary of what, if you don’t mind my asking?”
“Well, I can’t say just now as we are undergoing another reorganization so the titles are still up in air. By the way, do not worry about the lecture. I will have your back. I was one of the senior reviewers for the Student Outline you are using. I have a Defense Meritorious Service Medal to show for it.”
“You must be very proud and thank you for your support. Well, its time to begin, Sir.”
“Yes, please carry on, Captain”
Captain McGurk entered the stage.
“Attention on Deck,” barked GySgt Jack “Baseplate” Jones. The Marines snapped to attention in unison.
“Seats!” commanded the Captain. The company sat.
“Good morning, Marines.”
“Good morning, sir!” came back the loud response.
The Captain began. “Today I am going to talk to you about extremism in the military and it needs to be stated at the start that my job, and I quote now from the Student Guide Introduction, is to help you ‘combat extremism in the military.’”
Captain McGurk continued, “Now in our long history of the Corps, dating back to 1775…”
“Hurrumph,” mumbled Major Slickpud.
“…when the Continental Congress first enacted a law to create…”
“HURRUMPH” uttered Major Slickpud.
Noticing the good Major’s discomfort, Captain McGurk spoke up, “Sir, do you have something to say.”
“Yes, Captain. You have to know how to recognize extremism. As the first bullet of Subsection1 of Section D of the DoD DOMI EOAC Student Guide on Extremism* states, the American Revolution was an example of a people following, and I quote, ‘extremists ideologies’ when the (quote) ‘colonists sought to free themselves from British rule,’ (unquote). So as you can plainly see, referring to founding of the Marine Corps is to honor and promote an extremist ideology and that simply will not do.”
“You don’t say.” Replied McGurk, shaking his head.
“I do say and I knew you would see the point.” Major Slickpud beamed.
Captain McGurk pulled aside a page of notes referring to the historic traditions of Marines to never discredit the respect gained by the sacrifices of Marines past. He started afresh.
“I would like to remind all of your that in combating extremism, we need not look much further than the oath of office we all took to defend and protect the Constitution of the United…”
“Excuse me Captain.” Interrupted the Major.
“Sir?”
“The reference to the Constitution is inappropriate, Captain. Can you not see it is fruit from the poisonous tree?” Opined Major Slickpud. He continued.
“It has already been established that the framers of the Constitution were members of an extremist group. I would like to refer you to Section A, Subsection 6, pertaining to ‘Prohibited Activities,’ which reinforces the argument made in the aforementioned Subsection 1 of Section D addressing ‘Extremist Ideologies,’ namely, that the American revolutionaries took a ‘political idea to its limits, regardless of unfortunate repercussions,’ those being, among other things, the Revolutionary War.”
“Therefore the Constitution cannot be viewed as anything but an extremist manifesto. I would dare say it might easily be determined by the standards established in the Student Guide as a hate tract. You simply cannot rely on the Constitution in any manner when combating extremism.”
“Seriously, Sir?” Asked a somewhat bewildered Captain McGurk.
“I could not be more earnest.” Replied the mildly agitated Major , who was thinking thinking, “Why can’t these people out in the field think logically like we do in Washington?”
The Captain removed more pages from his presentation and was now down to his last sheet. Pressing on, he started once again.
“I think we can all agree (glancing briefly at the Major) that combating extremism is something that will help in some small way to make this a better
world and…”
“CAPTAIN!”
“Sir?” moaned McGurk.
“Captain, this is truly intolerable and I mean truly intolerable. Are you not aware that the second bullet of Subsection 1 of Section E, ‘Recruiting Motives,’ noted that speaking about making ‘a better world’ or country is a phrase used by the cleverest of extremists. Really, how could you use such language during a lecture on extremism of all things?”
“Sir, I am a patient man but first you tell me I can’t talk about the founding traditions of the Marine Corps. Then you say not to mention our oath of office under the Constitution and now I can’t even talk about making the world a better place to live. Just what in the heck…”
“SIR!”
“SIR!” repeated GySgt Jones.
The Captain looked to the back of the hall. A feeling of relief swept over him. Baseplate Jones had an uncanny ability, whether overseas or in the rear, to make a bad situation better.
“Sarge, do you really think you have something to add to this discussion?” asked a put off Major Slickpud.
That’s Gunnery Sergeant, Sir, and yes, I believe I do.” The Gunny rolled on without waiting for a retort.
“Well Gentlemen, it seems that all those sections and subsections and whatnot make it clear that we are all pretty much extremists. And in as much as the Student Guide provides no way to distinguish one extremist from another, well…”
“Go on, Gunny,” prompted Captain McGurk.
“Well Sir, it just seems to me that what we need to do is to nod our heads in agreement with the fine words of the Major and then rejoin the real world and got on with it.”
“That is just splendid. You really get it, uhm, Sergeant,” chirped Major Slickpud.
“Yessir, and that's GUNNERY Sergeant and if I get any more if it, I won’t be able to sit down for a week.”
“I do not completely follow that last remark, er, Gunnery Sergeant, but I think you mean well.”
“Yessir, I do indeed.”
“Company, Attention!” Boomed the voice of Captain McGurk. The Marines again stood motionlessly in mass.
“Gunnery Sergeant Jones, take charge of the company and carry out the training schedule of the day.”
“Aye aye, Sir!”
With that, the two officers left the stage.
“After a bit of a rough start, this ended just splendidly, splendidly, Captain. I can’t wait to get back to Washington and announce how successful this program is going to be!” Major Floyd Slickpud could not stop smiling.
“Yessir, whatever you say, Sir.” Answered a bemused Captain McGurk as the two walked out the hatch and into the sunlight.
* The official January 2013 DoD EOAC Student Guide on Extremism is attached for those of you with an interest. Also see: http://www.scribd.com/doc/162321199/2161-docs#page=32
